Adulting

Being an adult - even at my age - isnt something I ever thought about. Maybe because I never felt like one. Dont get me wrong i had to do all the adult stuff. Responsibilities, finances, taking care of everyone, fixing other peoples messes - the worrying. But I was still just always "the kid". Now that Mom and Dad are gone - I dont know how to feel. I still feel like a kid - well more like an orphan now. Maybe because I dont have kids of my own which I desperately wanted. It just seems like the natural progression of things has stopped with me. The other thing is that I seem to have lost a lot of myself that used to be. I used to think I was a lot of fun to be around. Doing crazy things. Sometimes reckless. Always adventurous. Got myself into some really nutty situations and came out ok. I was the one that people called when they were bored or just wanted to hang out. I dont know - I think I lost my sense of humor along the way. Things just didnt seem funny anymore because of all I was going thru. And it wasnt funny. Any of it. But I miss that part of me. It doesnt come out very often anymore. I dont laugh like I used to. I dont know how to get that back. The worry is still there. And I have a lot of things that seem unsettled. Thats not funny. Its sad.