About Dad

So I mentioned earlier that Dad should have been in a nursing home - and Mom couldnt bring herself to accept that fact. So we kept him home with all his issues (and all the issues I have with him). Most days were spent shuffling him to a multitude of Drs, tests and Er visits. HOURS at time just to get him up, fed, meds given, washed, dressed and out the door to sit in Drs. offices for hours more. He was blind, he was in renal failure and on dialysis 3 days a week, he had leukemia, he had bladder cancer, he was in A-fib, stents in his leg and kidney, multiple falls due to his pride and never asking for help, on 14 different meds and on a strict diet that he never adhered to. And he was absolutely miserable. Especially to me. I could do no right. No matter how many hoops I jumped thru or what we were going thru TRYING to please this man. I was the punching bag. Everyone saw it. It was embarrassing to me at times and so hurtful. But I was told when you are in renal failure it changes your personality - that doest make it right but damn I was his target. Of course I took it personally. I always felt like a complete failure to him anyway. So maybe his "filter" was gone and all his true feelings were coming out. Ill never know. Dont get me wrong....I loved my father - but I didnt like some of the unbelieveable things he did. And even still I loved him. I looked up to him for some reason. Im told Im like him in a lot of ways (scary). I wanted him to be proud of me. But I always knew My sister was his heart and soul. I never understood that. She was just a mess ALWAYS. And such a problem for my parents, my family, her friends, me, everyone. She hasnt been around since 2012. His first stroke was in 2007. 14 years of caring for him and doing everything we could for him while taking his shit the whole time. It wasnt easy. Towards the end of his life he would sometimes get emotional. I'd ask what was wrong and he'd hit me with "I wonder what my daughter is doing" . God that absolutely killed me. Me, I was right there in front of you doing and seeing the most horrifying things. Micky right there doing the same for him - things she didnt even do for her own father. It angered me. My sister didnt give a shit about him or anyone else but herself UNLESS there was money involved. And my parents had a RESTRAINING ORDER against her - for good reason! I wanted to shake him sometimes and say "look at all she has done to all of us". The roller coaster of emotions you feel when you are losing a parent that you love - even though you feel they dont love you the same and taking care of someone who clearly needed so much medical attention that you were willing to take on but wondeing why I was never good enough still blows me away. He didnt deserve that sacrifice. But I did it because I loved him. He was my Dad. And i have no regrets what I did for him. I have plenty of what I didnt do for myself though. The night he passed away I texted my Sister. After all it is her father too and I thought she should know. I had 2 choices. 1. Not tell her anything because obviously she made no effort to repair things with our family since 2012 and was happy to live like that. But if she found out another way it would have been just another reason for her to hate me even more and tell people how I kept it from her because you know - Ive ruined her life (sarcasm). Or 2. Tell her and hear some vile tirade about how shes happy hes gone and he deserved to die like a dog (because thats my sister). Not an easy decision to make when you just lost your Dad. She never responded to the text until the next morning. It just said "thank you".