About Mom

Phew...this is tough one. Im not even sure where to start here. The sadness, emptyness and loneliness I feel without her? The guilt I have for putting her in a nursing home? The fact that I know how lucky I was to have her until she was 87? Or knowing, no matter how I need things to be different that feeling of being alone will always be there. The feeling never goes away of wanting to hear her voice, ask her advice, talk and laugh together, hold her hand or ever feel the way she used to put her hand on my head to comfort me. Yes, Im 61 and I still need all this from my Mom. Dad was such a handful - with all his "needs". It was a terrible long period of time. He was always in crisis. The stress was off the charts. We all felt it. After getting them settled in bed one night I had a breakdown and sobbed for such a long time - I remember screaming to Micky "I cant do this anymore, No, I dont WANT to do this anymore and I just want it to be over". Terrible thing for a child to say about a sick parent. I miss Dad - but Im relieved its over. Im not happy hes gone - and if he could still be here HEALTHY I would be fine. My Mom had her own issues which became secondary to his. But he was wearing her down as well. I could see it. And It upset me becuase I needed Mom with me FOREVER. When Dad passed im not sure why I thought Mom would improve. I thought we all would heal and somehow recover from the nightmare we had been living. It would just take time. Maybe shopping, lunches, travel a bit? But that didnt happen. What it did was show me how her issues were there all along but now I guess we were focusing more on her. Or maybe she just lost her purprose. When Dad passed away we lost the aid due to quarantine protocols. So there was no real help anymore. Just me...and poor Micky. That meant we couldnt leave. Go out anywhere, vacation, dinners - nothing unless Mom came. Talk about even more relationship strain. There was just no one to turn to. It was on me. I started looking into respite programs. She was able to go into an assisted living facility for the times we needed to go away. Sometimes it was only weekends - and our standard 2 weeks in Florida in March. I felt horrible leaving her. I grew up hearing "please dont EVER put me in a nursing home". I said I wouldnt. I broke that promise. But My Mom shocked me. She seemed to like it. It was social for her. She loved people. She loved activity. She didnt seem to miss my Dad once she was there. And she made friends. So she was in and out as needed and when I came to pick her up to take her home she was happy to go home but once she was home she'd ask when she could see her friends - and her friends would be so sad when I took her home! But the time came to when it was really unsafe for me to have her home anymore. She wasnt walking well. She was in a wheelchair. I couldnt carry her. She had a few falls and many "accidents". She was lonely and bored. She slept a lot. She didnt really want to eat like before. Watching her decline made me push her even more but it didnt work. She was tired. The whole time I had her home I heard from so many people that I was "in over my head". I knew this - I felt this. Mentally I wasnt doing well - But it was my Mom, my best friend. The person I had been thru so much with. We swore it was us against the world because thats what it felt like so many times and no matter what - as long as we were together everything would be ok. And it was. By the time I made the heart-wrenching decision and signed her in to the nursing home permanantly she was more and more forgetful. I think Im grateful for that because I always prayed that she never remembered the promise I made to her that she would always be with me. And she seemed fine with it! But it killed me. Yes, the stress and pressure was gone. Yes, I had some freedom. Yes, I could actually work. Yes, the shakey feeling I had every day in my stomach for years was lessening. Yes I could finally sleep a little at night because I hadnt slept well in almost 10 years. I had cameras all over the house so I could always watch what was going on with them - and any little sound in the middle of the night sent me shooting out of bed running to both of them. People told me I made the right decision for her....for me. I dont know about that. I feel like I let her down. I never wanted her to feel like I just dumped her. Nuring homes are HORRIBLE places. Even though I found a good one for her. The stuff that goes on. The screaming and crying. People calling out for their sons or daughters but they arent there. The neglect. The smells. Its just sadness and depression. All these people had lives, homes, families - and here they just sit - basically waiting to die. Residents are basically on their own. Family members dont go to visit their loved ones often or in some cases at all. It broke my heart. That hurt to see. I was there with Mom every day unless I was sick or away - sometimes a few times a day to make sure she was ok. Bringing food and treats for everyone. I got friendly with so many of Mom's friends and helped where I could especially for those who had no family. But we all became family - because mine is basically gone it felt so nice to have these guys. These women became my Moms family there and I was just lucky enough to get to know them and bond with them. We were together every day doing all kinds of activities, talking, eating, laughing, telling stories. When mom declined and ultimately went on hospice THEY sat with me every day. They were there for me. So many times we all just sat by her bed - in silence knowing what was coming. I was losing Mom - they were losing their friend. When Mom passed on 11-24-23 - I lost them too. I had a memorial service for Mom at the home so all her friends and the staff could attend because I knew none of them would be able to leave the facility safely. But I cant bring myself to go back there even though I said I would visit. It breaks my heart that they are all there and my Mom is gone. 2 of the ladies call me still to check up on me. I really should go back. Life without your Mom is something no one can prepare you for. I feel like an orphan. I was one of the fortunate people who got along with their Mother. Ive heard people describe things differently with their Moms but it baffles me and i dont understand how it happens like that. But then again - look at my sister. We grew up in the same house, with the same parents. She lost her parents too - but she wasnt there for any of it. Its just me and her left - but we are strangers. I miss my mom terribly. Nothing is the same.