A life that used to be...

I started blogging in 2004. The life I had then seems like it was a different person living it. Its all different now. Changed. Gone. I lost my Dad in 2021 after taking care of him with all his many medical issues. I was in the medical field for 20 years. I did and saw plenty. But nothing really prepared me for what went on in our home caring for this man. It was like a horror show at times for me, Mom and Micky (and we had an aid). 4 of us - and it wasnt nearly enough. It probably took years off my life. Being caretaker is no joke. The mental strain, worry, anguish and constant feeling of living in panic mode sure takes a toll on you. It was no picnic for him either I know. He was so incredibly sick. He belonged in a nursing home - but Mom wasnt having it. It was not an easy task for me - especially trying to put aside all the issues I had with him. But he was sick and he needed a lot of help - it was the right thing to do. But Im bitter at times. I sold my house in 2022 after being there for 39 years. It filled me with sadness being there. The memories, parties, holidays, birthdays, BBQs, get togethers for no reason and all the people who are no longer with us just made me not want to be there anymore. Those times were not happening anymore. The memories of good times and even bad - I needed out. I decided one day I was selling it (Good thing im a real estate agent). It was on the market and sold very quickly. What relief I felt to be out from under the burden of that house. I lost my Mom in 2023. She also needed a lot of care. She was my heart and soul. I dont think I will ever get over losing my Mom. I still cant believe shes gone. I cant describe the empty, lonely feeling I have without her. She was always my best friend. She was my Person. My "go to" for everything. Sounds ridiculous coming from an adult. But things are just not the same. I miss my Dad....but My God losing my Mom - it takes my breath away. And I can cry just talking about her. Will that ever stop? Caring for both of them for a long period of time changed me. I was blessed to have them and yet I feel robbed in some ways. Make sense? I sacrificed a lot for them over the years. Did things that were not my responsibility. I clearly have boundry issues and I take on way too much. I knew it. I could have said no. I just thought I had to because there was no one else to help - and I loved them. They would help me if I ever needed it. Forget my sister ever being a part of this equation. She has been out of our lives since 2012. And even if she was around - it would have been worse. She has never been any help to anyone. I couldnt handle her craziness and them together. We wound up renting a townhome about 15 miles from where I used to live. I loved it so much from the time we walked in that I started sending the owner written offers to buy it. She kept declining. After about 18 months I took it as a sign that it was time for me to up and move to Fla which is where I always wanted to be. So Micky and I started making some trips back and forth to seriously look around and she was even able to relocate with her company to Tampa. On our 3rd trip we found a rental that we thought would work and it would give us time to look around to find the place we wanted to settle in. Right when we were starting the application for that rental our landlord called and asked if we still wanted to buy the townhome WHILE WE WERE IN FLA! My immediate answer was YES! Im still baffled by the timing of this. It was truly a sign! It was where I really wanted to be. So we bought it and closed end of May in 2024. BTW, the place in Fla that we were going to rent was destroyed by the Hurricane that blew thru. Another sign? So here I am, sitting in my new home and absolutely loving it here. My life is completely different. I look back over the course of 30 years and cant believe some of the things that have happened (which Ill try to explain in time). Ive been asked so many times how I got thru it and why I just didnt walk away. And I swear I dont know. I feel like Im on a different path now. Its me. Looking out for me. Taking care of me. Understanding that I am important too. Actually saying NO. Strange concept for me. Something I have learned: When you start saying no to some people - they dont like it. They dont expect it from me and they seem to have a different attitude now. But so do I.