Hard Ass

I stayed in my past relationship way too long.

I got to the point where I just didnt care. I had no real feeling for her anymore. Well, I guess I cared....because we were together for so long. But thats as far as it went. I was not in love with her. And the whole idea of the love I had was more of a security thing than anything else. Its what your "supposed" to have.

I hated that.

And at times I hated her. There, I said it.

I guess now I hate myself a little too for allowing what went on to continue for so long. Im still working on why I let that happen. I wasted so much time. Time I can never get back.

When she finally left I DID have time - to myself...to re-group and to heal (still healing).

I realized very quickly that she really did ALL the thinking and decision making for me. EVERYTHING.

Pathetic I know.

Again, I allowed it.

Once the cob webs cleared and I started to feel better - more like "ME" again, I came up with a very long list of things I WOULDNT do again:

NEVER settle again
NEVER let myself be taken advantage of again
NEVER do ANYTHING I didnt want to do again
NEVER stay somewhere I didnt want to be....AGAIN
NEVER put myself last
NEVER keep things inside
NEVER let someone just "take over"
NEVER apologize when I KNOW Im not wrong just to shut someone up or prevent an arguement (God, I wish I had a dime for every time I did that)
NEVER let someone make me feel like I wasnt good enough
NEVER push friends out of my life because of my partner's insercurities about me being close to them
NEVER be pushed into a situation that I knew I didnt want to be in because I just didnt have the heart to say no

And so far Im holding true to this. But Im not so sure its good.

She hardened me.

And now Im WAY over the top the other way.

I TOLERATE NOTHING.

Im in a relationship now that has changed my world. Im with someone who is just what Ive always wanted. Just what Ive always needed. Just what Ive always thought a "connection" should be like - physically, mentally, emotionally. Just what I always imagined.

And yet, I dont budge. Not even an inch.

I feel like my past has dictated how I am now. And I have this attitude that if anyone doesnt like it...well...there's the door.

Again, not sure this is so good.

But now that Im with the "right" person.....shouldnt I be easier on her?

Will I always feel so "guarded"? So unwilling to accept anything less than what I want.

I used to laugh with Micky and tell her that I felt sorry for her...for getting involved with me - someone so "jaded". That I was not easy to deal with. And that Ive learned now and wouldnt tolerate anymore BS EVER again...because of my past experiences.

But I meant it.

I do feel sorry for her sometimes.

She is so good.
So kind
So loving
So caring
Sooooo hot & soooo sexy and SUCH a great kisser!

If anyone deserves the benefit of the doubt - its her.

So how long am I gonna be a hard ass?

How long does it take scars to heal?

And what will become of me if they dont?