Apprehensive

Its been over 8 months since I spoken to my best friend.

The last conversation we had was when I went to her house and attempted to explain (over the course of 3 or 4 hours) what was going on in my past relationship and why it was ending.

She was pretty close with my ex.

Close enough to take her side even though we had been friends long before my ex and I got together.

It hurts - a lot.

Ive been struggling all this time with my emotions over this matter.

Ive been told that if she wasnt there for me then she wasnt a true friend and I should just cut my losses and move on.

Hard to throw 25 + years of friendship away (even though I feel she did).

But recently I think Ive made some progress and moved past the initial raw feelings of being so hurt over her lack of support and by being judged so harshly by her.

That is until HER g/f contacted me last week. It started with a FB friend request (which said g/f had deleted me off of her FB page last November after our talk).

I was confused so I sent a message asking "why now - after all this time".

I was met with accusations, and a HUGE attitude (detected even on a FB message), finger pointing and the feeling of being attacked.

So I didnt hold back. I unleashed. It wasnt pretty - but she took it - and seemed to calm down a bit.

She told me that she and my (ex) best friend are having a civil ceremony.

That made me feel terrible - that I couldnt/wouldnt be there for it.

I sent a card to congratulate them (even though I hesitated because of how I was treated). But I guess Im trying to be the bigger person here.

I got an email from my (ex) best friend stating her appreciation for the card, that they were leaving for California for a week and that she missed me.

She wants to talk - maybe rehash everything and get it out on the table.

Im very torn here.

The hurt I feel is indescribable. My mind is going in so many different directions. I dont want to get emotionally involved here again. Yet I want to say all the things that have been going thru my head on a daily basis ever since this happened.

Im stubborn. I admit it.

I could have reached out to her many times to try and tell her how I felt.

I chose not to.

Why should I?

It was obvious to me that she made her choices and her decisions.

Why would I put myself in a vulnerable position - yet again?

So I let all this time go by - hoping that the day would come that it would stop hurting and wouldnt bother me so much.

That day hasnt come yet.

Im a little apprehensive about what to do.

I guess we will get together and talk when she returns from her trip.

I fully intend to say EVERYTHING that should have been said a long time ago.

Im not looking for anyone's approval. Im not looking for her to agree with me or condone what happened. And Im not looking for an apology.

But I am looking for her reasoning as to WHY, after all the time we have known each other, and ALL we have been thru together - that she would choose to act this way.

I need to hear it.