Rocky Mountain High

I dont have my own kids. I wish I did...it just didnt happen - for many reasons. I believe in God. I believe in a higher power. I also believe there are paths we are put on for a reason without us even knowing how we got there and we just follow along. When my niece was born I remember the first day she came home from the hospital like it was yesterday. I remember picking up this little pink bundle - I was all weepy because she was just a few days old and so teeny tiny. (Why do babies make us cry?) I took her for a walk. Away from the chaos and craziness of my very loud family. We walked around the block where I lived and I held her telling her how much I loved her already and that Id ALWAYS be there for her & I would always take care of her. I meant it. What a little doll she was. As she grew and became a part of our nutty family I could see her struggle. The way I did. We are so similar. Bonded thru terrible situations. She used to tell me she wished I was her Mom. That she told people I WAS her mom. We talked A LOT. We experienced so much of the exact same things - the common denomenator? Her mother. I saw her go thru some very dark times. I was scared and worried for her. My sister? Not so much. Ignored it actually even with my insistence on getting this kid some help. As things got worse with my sister....my niece and I became more distant. When the whole eviction episode happened my niece left with my sister and we didnt talk for 8 years. That literally broke me. I couldnt understand how this could happen after all she knew and about how she was treated her whole life. But it was her Mom. So she went. By the grace of God she came back (long story) and we have been close ever since. Trying to repair the damage of what we didnt create but fell victim to. She was living about an hour away from me in Philly...a not so nice part. I wont go into details but it was bad. I was sick inside knowing thats where she lived. I smiled and was happy and supportive everytime I visited swallowing the deep fear I had for her safety. One day we were talking and she said she wanted to buy an RV and move to Colorado. Oh you kids! I laughed...I thought it was just a fleeting thought. But she was serious. On some level I was happy to get her out of that hell hole she was living in. On another level I thought OMG she'll be so far away from NJ. But that was exactly what she wanted. To be far away. She came to me and asked for help. So I started to do some research. Looked at RVs with her. Looked at pricing (gulp) and knew she could never afford this. So I helped. I found her a beautiful RV in Florida. She flew down and drove it back to PA! I gave her part of the down payment to get her started. And her and her girlfriend drove out to Colorado and thats where they are living. Right at the base of the Rockies - its picturesque! Before she left she said to me "Goo (thats what the kids and my family called me) are you okay with this? Me leaving and being so far away?" I choked back tears because what I really wanted to say was "NO! Dont leave! Stay up my ass forever!" But I didnt. I could never be that selfish. I wanted her to have better! I smiled and said I wanted her to be happy and to go make a beautiful life for herself someplace she always wanted to be. And thats what she has done. I went out to CO to see her a few months ago. OMG, the life this kid has made is absolutely beautiful. I am so proud of her. She had a lot happen to her in life. And was also put in very bad situations...but she got thru it. And she is peaceful and happy and doing very well. Im so proud, so relieved and so amazed at where she is. I often wonder how my own life would have turned out if I had the courage to leave too. I was out the door at 24 - moving to Italy. It was all arranged. I was going. But my family wasnt having it. They literally stopped talking to me for months before my departure date. My Mom's words still ring in my head "Laura dont leave me - ill die without you". ugh what a horrible thing to say. Apparently I wasnt strong enough. I caved and stayed. I said to my niece what I needed to hear when I was leaving. But I got the complete opposite. Things do come full circle. As i spent time in CO and she took me around showing me her life....I cried again. 33 years later I flashed back to holding that little baby who was now driving me thru the Rocky Mountains singing songs and talking to me about all of her experiences. Weepy again. Maybe I wasnt supposed to have my own kids. But I sure do love this one as if she were mine.