Its heavy

What does it take to really "heal" from all that went on? When will it ever be ok....and when will I find peace in all that I went thru? It was way too much. It wasnt normal to live the way I did for so many many years! The more time that goes on now - without the stress, the constant chaos and unbelievable situations that arose - the more I see how insane and frankly UNFAIR it was to have all this put on me. They expected too much - and I delivered. Things that would make people ask "how are you doing all of this?" "how can you possible keep up this pace?" Or my favorite statment (or question) of all - "you KNOW you are in over your head right?" Yeah, I knew I was in over my head. Thank you for constantly pointing it out. No one knew more than me. No one FELT it more than me. I didnt have the kind of heart that could walk away. Plain and simple. Call it Italian guilt. Call it crazy. Or call it love. I loved my parents and my family and God how I wish they were still here. I would do anything for them - and I did but I took on way too much. I knew it. But I couldnt get out of it. I couldnt just walk away. Not even for my own good. I just couldnt. Now I find myself sitting alone a lot of times - going over the events spanning decades and shaking my head in disbelief of it all. There is no one to talk to about it. They are gone. There is no one to answer so many of the questions I have. I think knowing I will never get those answers scares me. To have this all churning up inside me on a daily basis - and it will never get any better because the answers arent coming EVER. Some of the events were terrifying. It changed me. Im not me anymore. Not sure who I am but I feel different. My sense of humor is missing. I laugh, make jokes but not like before. I think the trauma that I lived has taken away my "silliness". That sounds about right. Things just dont seem that funny to me anymore. Its a shame. I hope someday it comes back because that was one of my favorite parts of me! About 16 years ago I noticed a white patch on my left index finger. Then white spots started popping up in more places on my body. Long story short I have developed vitiligo. Its everywhere. Drs. tell me it wont kill me. Doesnt hurt me - its auto-immune. Might as well get used to it. There is no defined root cause. Some have said its a trauma response. I believe it. When you hold everything in over a long period of time, when you go thru things that LITERALLY shock your body, when you hold yourself together when you feel like any second you are going to crack.....the body has a funny way of responding. I guess this was one way my body reacted. Its ugly for sure - but there are much worse ailments. Couple that with my very irregular heartbeat that ive had since my 20s....also no root cause but have been told it could be anxiety related since nothing points to anything physically wrong with my heart (thank God). The body has to react some way. The point is... that part of my life is over. But i still cant get past it. Will I ever? I have a therapist. Im convinced Ill be on the lifetime plan! We laugh - A LOT but her mouth hangs open in disbelief sometimes during my sessions. She has asked my permission to repeat some of the things I talk about assuring me to never mention names. Of course I said "yes". I think I have traumatized her so she needs to get it out! She needs to talk about MY TRAUMA! Imagine?????