Deciding on trying to reconnect with some people that I lost in my so-called "divorce" has been on my mind a lot.
Ive kind of backed away from everyone for a while - partly because of my own guilty feelings over how everything went down and partly because I dont want to be judged by people who have no clue about the whole situation. And believe me, I WAS judged. And I lost friends - I lost my BEST friend in particular...after 26 years.
Ive beaten myself up enough about "how" my relationship ended. And Ive been beaten up plenty by my ex (before AND after my relationship ended).
Im at a point now where things have calmed down some and I can think more clearly about things that went on. The truth is my relationship should have ended a long time ago.
Sometimes when you are in the middle of it everything seems so cloudy. The smoke has cleared and Im facing the fact that I miss certain people - a lot. I try not to think about it anymore - "consciously" - but its very evident when I sleep because certain people are present in my dreams.
Im not sure what to do about it.
Ive been told by so many people that I should have opened my mouth and voiced what actually happened in my relationship. But Im just not the type of person who wants to air out the most personal things that went on. I didnt think that was something I would HAVE to do just to keep my friends. I never wanted to be hurtful and so much of what happened WAS hurtful in so many ways. I didnt think the deepest, darkest, ugliest things were really anyone's business...but I guess people make it their business when they take sides.
Ive always lived by the saying "walk a mile in my shoes" ...then MAYBE you will know what I was feeling.
I needed my friends to stick by me - not judge me. Im not perfect and never claimed to be.
Ive always considered myself the type of person who goes all out for my friends. Im there - no matter what. I may not agree with or like everything they do - but I will still support them and help in any way possible. And I have. Thats what friends are SUPPOSED to do.
Thats just me.
I guess I expected the same.
That was my mistake.
So, Im wrestling with what to do about this. I know true friends would never act like this - so I SHOULD just cut my losses and realize that I dont need people like that in my life.
On so many levels I know this....but it still hurts.
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You know, you have proven yourself to be the true friend. You have always been there for me!! None of us has the right to judge because we can't completely understand anyone else's life or relationship. If it were me, I would write a letter (or letters) explaining how you feel and all of this, without going into any detail. Then just see what happens.
ReplyDeleteall you can do is try! put yourself out there then just sit back and see what happens. at least you will have done your part to mend fences. and that is the 1st step to repairing your heart at the same time.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts are a bit more...protective(??) than the others I think.
ReplyDeleteThe people who you truly and honestly miss I'd simple either just phone them and say hi, or send a short e-mail saying hey. I, personally, wouldn't explain how I felt about anything until I got some sort of response from the other person. From what you've told me about it (and again, my past experiences with my exes) I wouldn't give anyone the opportunity of throwing more fuel on any fires with something written that could be used against me.
Things that are written are easily passed around and laughed at by silly people. But then again, I always guard against opening up totally.
Just my thoughts.