Change

Change is something Ive always been afraid of.

Well, maybe "afraid" is a little too strong of a word.

I guess I should use the word "uncomfortable" when referring to change...and me. Uncomfortable enough to make me just stay frozen where I am. Im the type of person who likes to find my comfort zone and just camp there. Its good - and its not so good.

Ive made some conscious decisions over the past year to change the things in my life that I wasnt happy with. Pretty brave for me - I dont usually "rock the boat". Granted....I did NOT go about making these changes the right way. I know that. A lot of people got hurt. And believe me, Im sorry for what happened. Sorry in so many ways.

A few years back, I started to do some serious soul searching. I realized I wasnt happy and had not been happy for a very long time with some pretty big issues in my life. But I wasnt sure what to do about them. Everything seemed so complicated and intertwined...so insurmountable...so unthinkable.

But it was like something snapped in me. I started to ask myself questions like:

-What the hell are you waiting for?
-How long can you keep this up?
-How much longer are you going to waste time complaining about how unhappy you are?

I felt it.

Change was coming.

And it was going to upset my so called "perfect little world" and everyone's world around me. I think thats what took me so long. The fact that so many people would be affected - not just me. Ive never put "me" first. I was scared to even think like that because that is SO not me! I do whatever is expected of me - not what I actually WANT to do!

Changes did come...but not without consequences.

I feel like Ive been thru hell this past year. There is still so much unresolved. Im not sure if it will EVER be resolved.

But Im looking at 2010 as a chance to start taking steps in a positive direction.

After all, I started this ball rolling.

Im tired of being unhappy.

Life is too short.