Dear Mom

Mom, you should be here. Plain and simple. Nothing is the same anymore. I miss our talks. Our connection. I miss how in synch we were and how I could just look at you and you understood what I was thinking or feeling - and vice versa. And to be completely honest, I miss the way you loved me. I miss that most of all. There is no love like a Mom's love. Life is going on - day by day - although my day looks nothing like it used to. I took on way too much from a very young age. I even gave up a HUGE part of my own life to do what was expected of me. Those expectations lasted about 30 years. It wasnt fair but I did it - even with all the stress, chaos, craziness and unbelievalbe situations that presented themselves. I did it when I didnt want to. When I didnt have the mental or physical stregnth anymore. When I thought Id break. When I wanted to run away. When I thought I wouldnt make it thru. I did it. And now, life is nothing like that. Its calm. Its stress free. Its unhurried. There is no chaos, no danger, no more emergencies, no constant fear or worry about the next daily crisis that inevitably always showed up. There is just peace - and enjoyment of where im living and what im doing. There is even happiness along with some boredome! Im so grateful for that. I thank God every day for getting me to this point. Its something I never thought Id see because life was never this way for me. Other people had it - but I didnt. I couldnt even understand what they were talking about. But now that I do - I wish you were here. I wish you could see and feel what its like to not have to live the way we did. To carry it all with no end in sight. I know you had it hard too and you didnt deserve it either. I know you probably wished for a different life many times - or at least some relief. But it didnt come until much later on when you would say to me that I gave you such a nice life. I hope that was the truth and you werent just saying that for my benefit. I tried Mom. I really did. Either way, I wish you were here. I wish that I didnt have to lose everyone around me and all those situations to experience this. I wish this feeling could have co-existed while we were all together. I wish you got to feel peace like you always prayed for. I miss you Mom.