21 Years

When I started blogging back in 2004 my life was completely different. It was full of chaos, drama, and insanity with my big crazy Italian family. All the messes that were going on - AND THERE WERE PLENTY - were usually mine to clean up even though I did not create them. I found blogging - it was new for me and fun! But in a lot of cases I used it to vent and get it all out because you NEVER talked outside of the family about ANYTHING. Most of the events were so unbelievable that I found writing about it cathartic. And it reinforced my feelings because my family thought everything was normal. I found us extremely dysfunctional. I always tried to put a humorous spin on it - thats what I do with everything. Is that a defense mechanism? But the anxiety around it all has taken a toll. I feel it - even now. Twenty one years since I started this blog. I abandoned it for a long time. Maybe I didnt need it for a while. But now I tinker with it again. Its the changes in life that trouble me now. My family is gone. Most passed on. Some moved on. The chaos, drama and insanity has disappeared with them. So why does it make me sad? I miss them all so much. I miss the life I had so much - but I dont miss the craziness. Why couldnt we have had peace then? Its like the combo couldnt coexist. So I should be happy - right? But Id go back to it all in a heartbeat. I feel like the loss of all of them has taken part of my identity away and at times my sense of humor has turned to grumpiness. I miss the connections. I especially miss my Mom. My God, I miss her so much it takes my breath away. I miss having simple conversations about life, our history, our past, our family and our traditions. I feel alone. I AM alone in the fact that they are all gone. I miss the feeling of a support I used to have even though there were so many issues. That sounds so strange. They were still my family - good and bad but full of love. I would do it all again. Its like my life before doesnt even exist anymore. Please dont get me wrong. I have a wonderful life now. Its nothing like it was. Its peaceful (most times) which is something Ive always strived for. Its pretty much stress free - the way I want it. Ive eliminated so much of what burdened me and caused me anxiety. I dont want it anymore. I think Ive burnt myself out and I dont want that kind of pressure on me anymore. So Ive learned to say NO...A LOT. Thats something I should have been doing all along. But given the chance. Id bring them all back.