There are things that happened recently in my life that I will never understand.
And by recently, I mean in the last 5 or so years...
As I get older, and more reflective (after YEARS and YEARS of therapy) I have grown to understand what I can change and what I cant.
However, that doesnt seem to help me. There are things that are REALLY bothering me. That I can seem to work thru. Things that make no sense to me no matter how much I go over it in my head.
I dont like the way things were left when it comes to certain people that I no longer speak with. It shouldnt be like this. It eats at me.
I dream about it....a LOT. Its disturbing to me. Obviously, if it is coming thru in my dreams - it must be affecting me.
I care about these people - probably a lot more than they ever cared about me. I care about what happened. I never wanted any of it to work out the way it did.
And there really is nothing I can do about any of it. There is no way to try to work things out with people who want no part of hashing things out - in what ever way that may be.
Im more of a *lets talk about it, yell scream - whatever.....get it out....and move on. Make peace with it. Not move apart and have no contact.
I have learned to accept that this is they way they want it.
But I havent learned how to stop hurting over it. How to make it stop eating at me day after day.
I dont know how to let go...
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I have that issue with Patt's family too, who were mostly non-supportive and critical while he struggled with cancer and then was dying. I should be the one angry, but they are the ones who act like they are. It's better for my sanity to stay away from them, but part of me wonders WHY this had to happen and why we couldn't work things out. We're problem solvers, so this will continue to bug the shit out of us.
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